Rotisserie Grilled Splork

If you were lucky this year and bagged a few splorks, you should try this rotisserie grilled splork recipe. As far as I'm concerned, it's the best splork recipe in the world. You just gotta try it!

Skewered Splork On The Grill

What Is A Splork?

I knew you were going to ask that question! If you're not familiar with the sport of splorking, or if you've never heard of the Pacific Northwest International Splorking Society, continue reading. Splorks are an extremely interesting type of fowl.

The splork evolved from a type of junglefowl native to South America's Amazon River basin. The birds were accidentally introduced to the Pacific Northwest in the late 1700's when they escaped from Captain Vancouver's sloop, the Discovery (who's lieutenant was none other than Sir Peter Puget, namesake of the United States Northwest Puget Sound area.

The jungle fowl suffered greatly in the cool, wet northwestern climate. Being used to the extreme-hot temperatures of their South American habitat, they had a propensity to huddle close together at all times in order to conserve body heat.

Evolution being what evolution is (if you believe in that sort of thing), the jungle fowl soon were hatching out of their eggs in a conjoined state...similar to Chang and Eng, the conjoined "Siamese twins", born in Melange, Siam in 1811. Not to say Chang and Eng hatched out of an egg, but...well, you know what I mean.

The first splorks were simply two jungle fowl attached in a head-to-rear configuration. Two bird bodies sharing one head and one tail. Unfortunately, the damp chill of the temperate Olympic Peninsula rainforest was more than the splork "twins" could handle.

Soon, splork triplets and quadruplets were hatching out. Evolution was attempting to physically modify the birds to be able to withstand the chill...and it was beginning to succeed. When conjoined quintuplet jungle fowl began hatching out of the oversized eggs, the birds began to gain a foothold in their new environment.

Splorks are now totally flightless, and wander throught the dense yew and salmonberry thickets caterpillar-like, rarely coming into contact with humans. Like little feathered choo-choo trains, splorks snake through the underbrush, their single heads responsible for the safety and sustenance of the conjoined hatchling-mates.

Nowadays, splorks are normally conjoined quintuplets, however conjoined sextuplets and septuplets have been seen. As a matter of fact, I have a mounted ConSex (conjoined sextuplet) trophy hanging above my fireplace! I am the talk of the Society!

Hunting Splorks (or, Splorking)

In spite of their small size, and even smaller ratio of brain size to body mass, hunting splorks is a challenge. The rules of the game are established by the Pacific Northwest International Splorking Society (The PNISS). Here's an excerpt from the most recent Society Newsletter rules and regs section:

Rules For The Taking of Splorks

  • No weapons of any kind allowed. The only specialized gear allowed is a single, leather glove and a nylon stocking.

  • The splorker must pursue the splorks while crawling on the hands and knees. Shimmying on the back is allowed.

  • Bait of any kind is NOT allowed.

  • When the splork is overtaken, the only acceptable means of capture will be by grasping the rear pair of feet, then lifting the splork upward and sliding it headfirst into a nylon stocking.

  • Limit one splork per day, two in possession.

Splork On A Skewer

Rotisserie Grilled Splork - The Recipe

You've bagged, plucked and eviscerated your splork. Now it's time to do some grillin'! The splork's evolutionary adaptations to the Northwest climate also configured this little critter to be the perfect rotisserie victim, er...I mean victual.


Start with one splork. A ConQuin is perfect for this recipe. If you have a ConSex or a ConSept, WOW! All the better! Just make sure your rotisserie shaft is long enough to pass through the entire length of your splork. You will also need one box of StoveTop Stuffing, 1 tablespoon grey sea salt, 2 teaspoons black pepper, one teaspoon garlic powder, one teaspoon onion powder, one-quarter teaspoon of celery salt and a Regulation Louisville Slugger baseball bat

Combine the stuffing mix according to the directions on the box. Stuff into the splork, using a baseball bat (handle end) to plunge the stuffing into the long body cavity. Combine the remaining ingredients to make the Splorkin' Good Dry Rub. Season the splork's exterior with this heady mix.

Skewer the splork onto the rotisserie shaft and place it in your grill. Grill over high heat, with the grill top open. Make sure the internal temperature of the splork reaches 170 degrees for maximum flavor. The taste of the carmelization that develops on the skin of a grilled splork is out of this world, and is rivaled only by the exquisite and luxurious taste of black truffles.

Splork Picture

Splork Responsibly

Now that you know about splorks, I bet you've got an itch to go out and drop one or two of them into a nice, long, silky stocking. But before you do, please contact the PNISS and ask for their free information regarding splorks and splorking. The population of the splork has been on the decline recently because of the popularity the animal has gained. Not many critters fit a rotisserie as well as a spork!

So call the PNISS. Ask for the free information. Here's the number.

BR 549

Ask for Junior. He'll be happy to answer any questions that you may have.

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